


Fucking Oreos Man

by AnonymouslyDead



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Murder Family, Over Oreos, Sneaking Cookies, Tacky Fish Shaped Cookie jars, angry baking, argument, passive aggression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:54:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25159573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyDead/pseuds/AnonymouslyDead
Summary: Hannibal is mad over Oreos.
Relationships: Will Graham/Hannibal Lector
Comments: 12
Kudos: 128





	Fucking Oreos Man

Abigail and Will sat across from each other at the dining table. Both poured over their schoolwork, Will grading his class’ newest batch of essays while Abigail tackled her psychology homework. Will was vaguely aware when Abigail pushed her textbook aside in favor of doodling in her notebook, but Will didn’t say anything.

He was no better after all. He’d barely made it halfway through, and he was growing bored. It didn’t help that he had a stubborn craving for chocolate that kept nagging him. With a sigh, Will stood and made his way to the kitchen. He came back minutes later with a package of Oreos. He sat back down, turning back to his work while munching on a cookie. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize we had Oreos.” Abigail said. Will pushed the package towards her, and she plucked a few cookies for herself. After that, the two went back to work in silence for a while.

That is until the front door opened. Footsteps echoed louder and louder against the floor until it came to stop at the table. 

“Hey Hannibal.” Abigail said distractedly. Will just sunk his teeth into a cookie when he looked up at Hannibal. Will bit through the cookie and took the excess from his mouth, eating it quickly. 

“Hey, Hannibal.” Will said. 

“Hello Will.” Hannibal stated and nothing more before he walked away. Will watched him going, wondering what that was about. He shrugged it off though and continued grading essays. 

A while later, he heard Abigail’s chair scrape against the floor and her footsteps walk away. Things fell silent once more, and he continued his work. But then, those footsteps walked back to the table. 

“Hannibal is aggressively making cookies.” 

Will looked up at Abigail. “What?” 

“Go look. He’s aggressively making cookies.” 

Will wanted to ask questions, specifically how can someone bake aggressively. Instead, he looked at Abigail's concerned face and swallowed his disbelief. He stood up and walked to the kitchen. 

The first thing Will heard was the thud. A pile of dark dough fell onto the flour covered wax paper lining the counter. He saw Hannibal’s steely face as he pressed his palms into the dough hard. Harder than Will though was necessary. 

Will watched him get a rolling pin and roll out the dough. It took Will watching him take small, circular cookie cutters to the dough for Will to make a connection. Will let out a laugh, drawing Hannibal’s gaze. 

“What's so funny, Will?” 

“Are you making Oreos?” Will asked.

“Yes, I am.” Hannibal said so matter of factly. Will choked out another laugh. 

“Why? We already have Oreos.” 

“We have processed garbage.” Hannibal said as he pulled cuts of dough and laid them out on a pan. He worked quickly, filling the pan before Will’s eyes. 

Will rolled his eyes. “Is that seriously your argument?” 

“I apologize. I didn’t realize you liked the taste of filthy, manufactured mush masquerading as a cookie.” He turned his back to Will to place the pan in the oven. 

“You’ve fed me people under the guise of chicken before.” 

The glare Will earned in response made Will choke with even more laughter. The oven door slammed closed as Hannibal turned his attention towards the cabinet. He purposely pulled out more ingredients and bowls, measuring, pouring, and then beating the new mixture. 

Two could play that game. Will went back to the dining table and picked up the package of Oreos. He shoved one into his mouth as he walked back to the kitchen. Hannibal eyed him ad he did so, his eyes growing murderous as he watched Will eat the cookie. 

Will took another cookie and held it in his teeth when he heard Hannibal slam the bowl into the counter. Hannibal walked up to him, stared him in the eyes, and proceeded to pluck the cookie from his teeth. Will blinked, wondering if that really just happened. 

“Are you seriously mad over Oreos?” Will asked, his annoyance growing. Hannibal scoffed. 

“Hardly. I care about you, and I just can’t stand watching you fill your body with garbage.”

“So what? You want me to eat your Oreos instead?” 

“Yes.” “Hannibal, I’m not asking you to make cookies every time I want them.” 

“No, of course not. The leftovers should tie you and Abigail over for a few days.” 

Will highly doubted that given the rate he had seen Abigail tear through Oreos before. Will considered shoving another Oreo into his mouth. Hannibal seemed to sense his idea and plucked the package from his hands. He held it loosely before him as if it was garbage. 

“Is this seriously the hill you want to die on?” Will asked. Hannibal stared back, looking dead serious. 

“You know what? Fine.” 

“Really?” Hannibal asked, his face still just as serious. 

“If-“ Will walked to the cabinets and dug around. For a few long minutes, he couldn’t find what he was looking for. He had to shift around stacks of pots and pans before he found the dust box shoved into a far, dark corner. He pulled it out and shucked out its contents, setting it on the counter. 

“You keep this filled.” Will said, gesturing to the jar shaped like a flopping bass sitting on Hannibal’s fancy marble counter. He grabbed the large fin on its back and removed the top, looking at Hannibal expectantly. Hannibal stared back as if considering Will’s murder. 

“Alright.” Hannibal finally agreed. He trashed the Oreos he held in favor of holding the bass jar albeit with the same distaste. Will made a point of walking out of the room while he still had his point made. 

Then, he burst out laughing. 

Will fully expected to find the jar had “mysteriously disappeared”...or at least a loud crash. When he hadn’t hours later, he looked in the kitchen out of curiosity. The bass’ lid still sat where Will left it. The bass jar itself was set further back on the counter amongst the basket of utensils and the napkin holder. Its body had been stuffed full of neat, picturesque sandwich cookies. 

Will rolled his eyes. Of course, he would. He snatched one up and took a bite. 

“Are you enjoying them?” 

Will jumped. Hannibal stood across from him suddenly, a satisfied smirk on his face. Will felt the urge to do something rude just to wipe the look from his face. Instead, he swallowed. 

“It’s good.” Will let himself say. In truth, it was delicious just like everything Hannibal made, but...it wasn’t the same crunch of an Oreo. Will already regretted letting Hannibal trash the rest of the Oreos. 

“There’s no way you’re going to keep that jar filled.” Will told him but more to assure himself. Hannibal just smirked, and Will knew he was screwed. 

A few days passed by. Will and Abigail ate through the first batch of chocolate sandwich cookies. Another batch, this one vanilla bean, appeared in the bass’ belly. They ate that batch, and cream cheese spice cookies appeared next. The flavors grew more complex with each new batch, keeping Will interested… 

But he still wanted Oreos. 

Will thought he could get away with eating a few at lunch. The vending machine at Quantico had a sleeve of them that he bought and devoured much to his embarrassment. He had swept off the crumbs, drank a cup of coffee to cover the smell, and went about his day. 

Yet when he got home, Hannibal seemed to target him immediately. He cornered Will by the front door, pressing him into the wall. 

“I thought you’d be smarter than to walk into my house reeking of Oreos.” Hannibal growled. If this wasn’t about fucking sandwich cookies, Will might find the look on Hannibal’s face both frightening and thrilling. “I suppose I can now get rid of the bass jar now.” 

“You’ll have to apologize to Beverly. I got it from her.” 

“A fair price.”

Will pushed at Hannibal, giving himself some space. “Seriously, Hannibal. You can’t control what I eat when you hardly compromise with your diet.” 

Hannibal gave him a look as if to challenge that notion. Will stared back, unwilling to yield. After a minute, Hannibal sighed. 

“Can you at least wash the stench of it off yourself afterward?” 

Will blinked. “Seriously? That was your problem?”

“It’s disgusting, Will.” 

Will frowned, ready to argue, but ultimately shook his head. “Ok, fine.”

“And if that bass stays in my kitchen as well, I will murder it.” Hannibal warned. 

“Alright. Understood.” Will said. Hannibal nodded and turned away. Will walked into the kitchen where Hannibal was already at the cookie jar. Abigail, however, had beaten Hannibal to it. She had one hand wrapped around the jar guarding it, and the other popping a hazelnut spread filled cookie in her mouth. 

“You’re not getting rid of this.” Abigail said with an air of finality. Hannibal tried to argue, but Abigail stood firmly on the subject. 

“It’s tacky, and I like it. It’s staying.” 

Hannibal looked from Abigail to Will, giving him a look that screamed “this is all your fault”. Will could only laugh at the turn of events. 

The next day, a fancy jar ended up next to the bass jar, filled with cookies. 

The day after, the bass jar met with an “unfortunate accident”. 

The day after that, Abigail and Will brought home a glass version of the bass jar, this one standing on its back tail. The look of defeat on Hannibal’s face when he spotted them transferring cookies to it made the long shopping it took to get it worth it. From there, Hannibal gave up, continuing to fill the jar with cookies as he had been. 

Abigail and Will both high fived each other over getting one over on Hannibal...that is until Hannibal had opinions on instant ramen. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comment what you think and hit kudos if you like it!


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